A Little Somethin' about
How Boys Learn
that Should NOT
Be on the Q. T.!
There's "cutie," and that's your
boy dirt-free out of the tub, all pink-cheeked and tousle-haired, freckles fresh
and ears clean. "Ahhhhh, what a
cutie!" you exclaim!
Then there's "on the q. t." and
it means "on the quiet." Kind
of like when your boys get together and whisper, "Hey! Let's sit the garden gnome on the neighbor's
planter-toilet and stash a few garden slugs in Betsy's bed, and let's do this
on the q.t!"
Then there's
another QT and that means "quick tension." Some days your boy ain't cute, or on the q.t. at
all. Like the days when he can't stop fidgeting
or sitting still, or when all of a sudden the eraser zooms through the air akin
to a heat seeking missile, or when a fist slams down on the table after 20
minutes of calculating angles, or when you turn your back for mere nanoseconds and
find him gone, outside, up in a tree, behind leaves, heaving with, if not wrath,
then profound frustration.
Blame most of
it on quick tension. Not rebellion, or naughtiness,
or "your father's side of the family," or sugar. Although these things may play a factor once
in a while (and a whole lot less "while" than you imagine), quick tension is more often
the hugest culprit.
So, here's how it works. Remember from previous posts that male and
female brains are structured and develop differently.
Boys tend to have greater neural activity in the
right hemisphere, increasing their ease in learning and using spatial
abilities, which shows up in their preference for mechanical design, math, geography,
claiming territory, and watching objects move through space.
Language centers of the brain are smaller in size, so reading and writing can more easily frustrate a boy – or man.
Serotonin, the calming hormone, is lower in boys than girls, but testosterone, the aggressive hormone, is higher.
In addition, their pre-frontal cortices are less developed, thus less impulsivity and restlessness control.
Lastly, blood flow in the male brain moves from the right side of the brain down to the brain stem, where the fight or flight areas of the brain reside.
Yummy!
Fresh, warm, energizing, vitalizing,
activating, and enabling stimulation of the
fight or flight responses!!!
Just what we need!
See the perfect storm building up over the horizon? YIKES!!!!
Boys have:
- more aggression,
- more fight or
flight tendencies,
- more need for diagrams, numbers, charts, and
- more need for pucks,
birdies, missiles, finish lines, bombs and grenades, blow darts, spit balls,
curling rocks, Lamborghinis, pirates on planks, sharks in shallow waters –
OK,
you get it, things that move through space!
Sooooo, strap him down to a kitchen chair with Velcro and
buckles and an Emily Dickenson poem duct taped to his forehead, or with 200 math
questions and a pencil sharpener, or with a 2" thick and glossy book on
the history of Egyptian pots, and
"Houston, YOU have a problem."
Hurtling erasers.
Fists.
Flights out the back door.
After
a good, loud slam.
Tension by the barrels full, ma'am! Tension and testosterone and right-brain
blood flow all building up like train steam – waiting, waiting, waiting –
KAAA-BOOM!
So, to avoid more (or
alleviate already existing) headaches, stiff necks and shoulders, stomach
upsets, and back pains, steam-out-the-ears-and-lid-off-the-top-of-his-head-on-the-ceiling, you gotta know some things.
1) He loves you, Mom!
Honest! He knows he needs an
education or he'll end up "on the streets with no job, begging for pennies
from passersby!" He knows you would
rather he be on the q. t. than pull pigtails.
Try saying...
After the break, which should not be further than the fridge or bathroom, have your son back to a fresh glass of water with a lemon (or jube-jube snake at the bottom of the glass), a hug, and another escape hatch.
5. Play very soft background instrumental music. No words, please. No heavy metal or hymns.
6. Boys prefer natural light. (I think we all do.) Sit closer to a window, drawn closed with sheer drapes so as not to distract.
7. Cover or move all electronic devices from sight. No TV, DVD, phone, games, Wii, nothing. These activities excite a different part of the brain that appeals to past experiences of instant gratification, which is not conducive to analyzing Hamlet, or the 5-paragraph essay, or a page of long division questions. Outta sight, outta mind.
9. Please remember to use fewer words.
As NOT in SHOOT-YOURSELF-IN-THE-FOOT
WAY:
Son: "What if I don't do it?"
11. Write shorter pieces of writing on smaller
pieces of paper (index cards, sticky notes, Powerpoint slides, half a sheet of
paper, inside dioramas, on paper airplanes, etc.). Just lessen the space needed to fill with fewer
words.
2) But you gotta know too that he needs
quick tension release even more than lectures, threats, and time-outs!
3) And you gotta know that because
his language centers are less developed than his fight-or-flight centers, he is
less likely to explain his
predicament and more likely to thaaaaaaarrrrr-he-blows!
Now, I am not saying that this behavior is always allowable because
his brain is built this way. Not at
all, But what I AM saying is that until
your son is more mature, and until he is more understood than punished for being a boy
– just like you aren't punished but understood for
getting moody
before, during and or after
your period and chocolate-pickle
binges –
... just like you and your hormonal and chemical idiosyncratic needs, your boy's idiosyncratic needs must be respected, accommodated, and trained. Just keep in mind QTR, and things will go
much better, that is...
Quick Tension Release.
Quick Tension Release is the discharging of
accumulated anger, frustration, and restlessness brought on by testosterone and
a brain that finds the piles and pages and projects of schooling
overwhelming.
Quick Tension Release
heads off most of the tantrums at the pass and allows for success. So here are a few of my favorite QTR
activities, and should you find others that work, then by all means do share!
1. Do not expect your son to react like you
would. The chances of him sobbing, calling up a friend
to vent for an hour, and reaching for ice cream (or yoga pants) are slim. He's
a guy, remember?
2. Do not punish, threaten, or dismiss his frowns, clenched jaws, hunched shoulders, arms
hanging to the sides, bunched fists, closed legs, drawn knees, and or squinched
eyes. Article
Source: http://EzineArticles.com/456644
They are clues,
not symptoms of naughtiness! I mean, if I was describing you, how would YOU
be feeling? What would YOU be thinking? And
wanting?
So look for and empathize. Acknowledge and act.
3. Use
relaxation exercises to release tension:
Ask
your son ("Hey, let's take a break for 5 minutes and try relaxing a
bit. Try this…") And don't just watch him do this, or put up a
poster and have him self-direct here so when he's ready to explode he'll say,
"Oh, hey! I'm ready to explode. Let's try these cute relaxation
exercises so I can calm myself down – even though I am only 6 years old, or 15
and have a hate-on for Emily Dickenson."
Noooo, relax WITH him, please. Model
relaxation. Try it, you might like it!
Try saying...
- Move your forehead or hairline backwards over the top of your head - the opposite of a frown. It may help to imagine your hand stroking backwards from your forehead over the top of your head and down to the back of your neck.
- Open your mouth as wide as you can, hold
and release.
- Push your shoulders down and back, hold
and release.
- Stretch your arms up and link your hands
above you head.
- Open your hands as wide as you possibly
can, hold and release.
- Lie on your back and roll your knees
outwards. No need for a big movement on this one - a few millimeters is
all that's needed to relax your inner thigh muscles.
- Straighten your knees so that your hip is opened out and stretched. Point your toes downwards as far as you can. Hold and release. (Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/456644)
4. Let
your son know that reading and writing activities (or those that build up
tension the most) are time-limited and that at the end of 15 - 20 minutes of work
lies their "escape hatch."
Do
not use ticking clocks, please, but soundless egg timers or large wall
clocks. Do not use their watches either;
you want to associate pressing through
with a school clock, not a personal device so that whenever they look at it
outside of schooling they aren't reminded of headaches, stomach aches, tight
jaws, etc.
What happens in the school
room
stays in the school room.
After the break, which should not be further than the fridge or bathroom, have your son back to a fresh glass of water with a lemon (or jube-jube snake at the bottom of the glass), a hug, and another escape hatch.
5. Play very soft background instrumental music. No words, please. No heavy metal or hymns.
6. Boys prefer natural light. (I think we all do.) Sit closer to a window, drawn closed with sheer drapes so as not to distract.
7. Cover or move all electronic devices from sight. No TV, DVD, phone, games, Wii, nothing. These activities excite a different part of the brain that appeals to past experiences of instant gratification, which is not conducive to analyzing Hamlet, or the 5-paragraph essay, or a page of long division questions. Outta sight, outta mind.
And it may as well as be the TV that's
"outta mind" than you.
8. Establish rewards and celebrations for getting through a day's
learning challenges. If you know
something is on the agenda that creates tension, then before you start the day,
negotiate. "What would you like/what do you need
to help us get through this challenge?" "What would motivate you?" "What win-win deal can we make?"
You: "So, what do you need to get through the day? Because we don't want another episode like
yesterday. I mean, I can't take it, and
your father won't be home until next week, so he can't be here to punish
you. So, what'll it be? My way or the highway? And we're running out of time. The teacher will be here in four weeks and
we're not even through the first chapter yet."
Son: "I hate math."
You: "Yes, we all do. When I was in Grade 6 I hated math too, but I
learned how to calculate percentages just by shopping. Oh, we're shopping
later, so you'll need to babysit that little brother of yours, Chompers. It comes in handy, you know, all
this math. It's real life. I mean, in the real worl-- Hey, get back here! Right! This!
Minute!"
But as in GET-OUT-OF-YOURSELF
WAY:
You: "So, what do you need to get through this 3-page math assignment
after lunch?"
Son: "A miracle!"
You: (Laugh) "Yah, I
know. So, what would a miracle look
like?"
Son: If I could go dirt-biking,
I'd be happy!"
You: "Dirt-biking is
awesome! OK, get the math done in two
20-minute segments, then dirt-biking for an extra 20 minutes is yours."
Son: "How about an extra ½ hour?"
You: "How about 20 minutes, like I said. By then supper's on. Maybe extra time on
the weekend?"
Son: "But I still hate
math. It's hard."
You: "OK. First, let's see how hard the first 20
minutes will be. Get at
the first 10 questions, and when they're 90% correct, then you can do every
other one. How does that sound?"
Son: "How about not doing it
at all, the second part?"
You: (Laugh) "No can do, my
friend, Good try, though! (Writing "dirt-biking this aft" on
a sticky note.) Let's just try one small step at a time. Get the first 20 minutes done with 90%
correct - and that's including corrections - and we'll talk. (Place sticky note on the table by his math
book.) Just 20 minutes, 20 minutes closer to dirt-biking.
Son: "What if I don't do it?"
You: "Can't imagine why you'd rather sit here all afternoon than
trade in 45 minutes of math – with my deal on the table – for an hour of dirt-biking. Sounds weird."
Son: "Alright. Twenty minutes
and 90%. And then
a break and every other question after that. Right? "
You: "You're right! Hey, Knock-knock..."
No arguing.
No cajoling.
No diatribes and discourses.
Just negotiating.
And you both will learn the
beauty of negotiating!
10. Laugh. YOU use a favorite joke
book to write out jokes onto sticky notes, and for every 5 questions he
completes slap a sticky on his back, or forehead. Have
him then glue the stickies into the math book as a memory.
Stress for boys is not made up. They don't WANT to be anxious, restless,
resistant, reluctant, and violently angry.
Really! But how they want to learn
is often compromised by women teaching them the way they learn best: with lots of words, lots of pages, lots of dialogue,
lots of bonding, tears to release tension and hugs to reassure.
Honor your
boys. Don't provoke them by not understanding
some of the essential thinking/learning differences.
Cater to their needs.
Negotiate.
Acknowledge.
Love, and ...
... grow your
own teaching skills by researching this topic for yourself.
OK, I'm off
to skewer some crows with spit balls. They're picking my pole beans!!!